I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
