these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
