he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
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Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I FOUND THE LEGS
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