My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
