then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
