i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
try to milk me bitch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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