she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
