Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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