we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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