Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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