You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
