Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
