he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
