What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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