i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
