im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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