If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
