I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
