so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
