hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
