I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
