Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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