i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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