You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
