considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize