it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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