I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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