I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
