dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
