How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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