saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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