I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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