I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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