I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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