just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
