If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
