I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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