I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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