It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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