i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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