my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
did i just pee glitter
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