I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
