Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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