i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
