they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
