I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
