we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.