I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
