Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
