Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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