Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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