Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
