You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
