Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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