I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She told me I should be a condom model.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
