Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
