I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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